Quiet Times

I have spent the last two days recuperating. I haven't been sick....just a little on the tired side. Coming off the holidays, right into the Little Dribblers Basketball season along with keeping up with our regular routines has been a little daunting. I realized tonight how meaningful days like the last two are to me. They are fuel to me physically, emotionally and creatively and I realized I have pretty much been sputtering for the last couple of weeks! Today, I text my friend and told her that I was sitting in the big fat middle of my bed with my laptop, blackberry, telephone and favorite snack all within reach, while watching a good chick flick...she of course replied with 'you go girl'. I actually got some much needed work done while in that setting! I even got to end this day with enjoying dinner and a movie with my favorite fellow. It may be weeks before I have a few hours to spend like that, two days in a row. But, I will look forward to them with much anticipation!

The Last Time

I was driving home from Tyler yesterday, I don't remember what triggered this thought, but suddenly, there it was..."When was the last time I held Whitney?" Whitney is our 18 year old, soon to be High School graduate. Of course we still hug, kiss and tell her we love her. What I was thinking of was how our small children would crawl onto our lap and just hold us, snuggle and sometimes fall asleep while holding onto us. Then it dawned on me that with all of our children, we never know that last time that we actually get to enjoy that kind of 'holding'. It's not like we sit down, realizing how fast they are growing up and say to them 'come sit on my lap for the last time'. What happens is we get to a day like I did, enjoying something that with multiple young children at home I wondered if I would ever get again...time alone...and it hits us; that time alone has only come after a process of 'last times'...the last time they grin and toddle toward us, the last time they crawl into our bed in the early morning, the last time they ask us to 'hold me', the last story read, tooth under the pillow, excited smiles on Christmas morning, and the very last time they crawl onto our lap and hold us in the way only a trusting child can. I don't know when those last times happened, I just know they did. I am thankful for the man and women my children have become/are becoming and I love this stage of our lives also...and I appreciate every time I hear one of my grandchildren say, "hold me", because I know, it won't be long....

Cancun was Great

I find vacations rather surreal. We were able to sleep to the sound of the ocean, something I absolutely love. I could really get use to that! So, not setting an alarm clock, sitting on the beach, seeing new sights, being waited on by a great staff, shopping, seeing sights, parasailing...it was all pretty surreal and I think I would love to live life in that state! I did miss my family though...if they just could have come for a visit. ha! The one thing that vacations ALWAYS make me want to do - plan another one!

I Love Fall!

Fall is such a great time of year. I spent a couple of days this past week decorating the porch of 'Texas Treasures' antique store. It was energizing to arrange square bales of hay, along with pumpkins of various sizes, Indian corn & a variety of mums. With a few well placed scare crows and an antique farm implement or two, we have an outstanding display of Fall....of course as soon as I finished this fantastic Fall display, I began to think of how short-lived it would be. Just a few short weeks and we are on to Christmas decor. That will be fun too.

Down to One

Jerry and I are already feeling pretty free. Having had 5 children...being down to 2 in the home feels a bit strange. Our oldest child at home turned 18 this past July and I find that I am grieving just a bit. This emotion took me a bit by surprise because having had 3 children leave home already, I'll have to be honest and say that I was not overly emotional over any of them leaving. It sounds terrible when I say it like that...but, the truth is...I was excited for each of them as they were set to pursue life on their own. I knew that they were as prepared as one can be when embarking on independence and I believed they would make wise decisions. I missed their presence in our home, but rather than dwell on their absence, I reveled in seeing what they were accomplishing and enjoyed conversing with them on a new level. They are all very interesting adults...and I love observing the paths their lives are taking. So, why the grief over my 4th child about to graduate from High School? I really think that the loss I am anticipating is for our youngest child. If you had the privilege of observing our children hanging out together...you'd realize what I am talking about. The sarcasm, nicknames and lighthearted banter when everyone is cooking, watching television or playing games as well as the fierce bond of connection that is evident when faced with adversity, is a blessing to this Mom. While I know those times will continue...and grow as our family grows, I also realize that our youngest child will spend the next several years in a much quieter, calmer home and miss out on some pretty fun times of hanging out with her siblings on a daily basis....but, on the plus side, the times when our almost 11 year old daughter is surrounded by her brother, sister-in-law, 3 sisters, brother-in-law, 3 nephews and 1 niece, may just make up for those days in a quiet home....might even make her appreciate those days! ha.
As for right now, I am just enjoying our 4th child's Sr. year...she's such a sweetie and I look forward to seeing her blossom into adulthood.

Moments

I wish I was good at scrapbooking, journaling, picture taking and the like. I want to be...love the idea of it. I love it that my daughters & daughter-in-law all seem to be good at it. I can remember so many times over the years that my children would do or say something so cute and I would think, "I have to write that down". I never did. All the wishing and regrets won't change that. But, I realize that while the exact phrase or antic may not be preserved...the moment is never lost because it's not as much the 'what' they did or said that defines the moment and makes a memory as it is 'how' those moments make up the fabric of our memories. I don't remember each cute thing said or done, but I do remember the connections made and the awe I felt as my children's individuality emerged. Those moments afforded us the opportunity to reinforce our children's worth to us as we expressed our delight in them as an individual...you know, not en masse...my famous lumping our whole crew together. My Children (and their friends) will forever remember my calling up the stairs, "kids!" or "girls!" With five children, it was just easier to handle them as a unit, but I so loved those solo moments. Just one-on-one with an emerging personality enjoying a moment that will last a lifetime. So...I don't have a scrapebook for each of my children the way I wish I did. I didn't journal all about their childhood antics. I don't even have adequate photo albums. What I do have are the memories of how the moments of their lives have woven threads of love and connection throughout my heart. Life's pretty interesting.

Life After Motherhood

Okay, I'll just have to say it. I'm almost 50. I have a couple of years to go, but I will have to confess that as I near this milestone in my life, when I think about age it's not, "I'm 47", it's, "I'm almost 50". The thing is, I love it! I don't get what all the bemoaning this age is about. I feel as though I have wonderful things ahead of me. I have accomplished several things in my life that were goals I had set for myself...now, I just feel like I'm poised to tackle more! When I graduated from High School, I knew that I wanted to be a Wife and Mom. Might not seem like a lofty goal to some...but, there you have it, that was my chosen career. I think I've done alright. I've sure enjoyed my mothering years. I have 3 children who are grown and on their own...2 more at home...one of whom turns 18 in just a few weeks. That's right, this Mom of 5 is about to have 4 children over the age of 18. Feels kind of weird. But wonderful! I am not finished with the intense mothering years by any means, our youngest is 10. It's just that when you've spent 28 years raising a family of 5....being down to that last one, well, it's like looking forward to graduation and thinking about what you want to be when you grow up! I'm young. Married young, started our family young, and now, now I can see that I have some years ahead that I will actually have some time on my hands to pursue avenues that intrigue Me. Now, don't get me wrong. I absolutely love raising my family. Although I have an intense love for them...I'm sorry, because I know some people proclaim proudly that their children are 'their life', my children are not my life. While I hope to forever and always be part of their lives and they mine...we raise our children to be individuals and to cling to their own family and to pursue their own goals. I'll proudly cheer them on, listen to their accomplishments and failures, be part of everything they allow me to be...but, I'm almost 50...and I have some of my own accomplishments...and probably some failures ahead of me. I do know this, I so look forward to having time with my husband without all the hustle and bustle of children and I think still looking forward to that after 29 years is an accomplishment in itself!